When I was 23 years old in 2016 I went on a partially raw diet because I was suffering from autoimmune symptoms and doctors wouldn’t help me. They told me my joint pain and fatigue were all in my head. Not even my own family believed me. It was a traumatic time for me, I now realize. I ran to food and held onto it as if it were the only thing that could save me.
And it did, in a manner of speaking. I lost 40 pounds and was able to get out of bed and go on bike rides again. I even started studying for my GED. Looking back on that time it’s easy to only see the golden moments, and overlook the bad ones. The painful ones.
The panic attacks I went through after coming home from the doctor who brushed me off and realizing not even my own family would believe me. The gaslighting. The refusal to help me or refer me to someone who could help me. The having to hide how bad I felt so my family wouldn’t browbeat me over how I was “wishing I had something wrong with me”. The lonely nights alone in my bed with swollen ankles and horrendous fatigue and fevers. The not knowing what was happening to my body.
Smoothies, fruit bowls and salads were the forefront of what I ate. I would watch Fully Raw Kristina videos on YouTube for encouragement and inspiration. I bought books on how eating a plant based diet can help reverse autoimmune conditions. I joined a few Facebook groups that had a belief in natural healing and plant based foods. I followed Dr. Brooke Goldner and held onto the words of hope in her book that I too, could feel better and live a normal life again.
I had a hope for my future. I knew at 23 my life couldn’t stop. My life wasn’t over. I still had dreams and aspirations for my life. I wanted to get my GED and go to school and start living. And since it was apparent I was not going to get a diagnosis for what was wrong with me, I had to do all I could to help myself. And so I fought. I got my GED in December 2016 and started doing volunteer data entry work for two organizations from home.
In 2017 I was feeling a lot better. I was riding my bike everyday and was slowly re-introducing different foods back into my diet. I added meat and legumes and grains. I started eating chicken and rice and hamburgers with lettuce as a bun. I noticed my energy levels started getting better. I was still drinking my green smoothies religiously. I started taking Alive! vitamins.
However, life started hurting again not long after. In early 2017 my cat Kitty was killed by a neighbor’s dog. My dad married his girlfriend and moved out with her, and my brother moved in two roommates who sold drugs out of our home and trashed the room we rented to them. Soon they stopped paying and my dad had to evict them. I had just got a new job and was struggling with newfound social anxiety and misophonia. There was a lot of drama and my heart was broken often. I slowly started turning to food for comfort like I had in times past. And it comforted me.
I would bring chicken and mayo sandwiches to work. I started drinking copious amounts of sweet tea. I started buying snack foods and gluten free brownies and cookies. At work when it was stressful I would look forward to all the yummy cookies waiting for me at home. I would even leave the box lying on my bed before I left in the morning, as if it was the ultimate prize for enduring the day.
Slowly I started gaining all the weight I had lost on my plant based diet. Having to share the kitchen with two strangers who made me nervous, I slowly stopped making healthy smoothies and plant based meals for myself. I had a mini fridge in my bedroom stocked with all the food I ate, and most of it was not so healthy.
♥️ ♥️ ♥️
In 2018 my dad put our childhood house up for sale. My brother met a girl and started isolating himself more. I was feeling lonely. Really lonely. I longed for a friend who would understand me. What I was really longing for was a partner. I would pray a lot about my desires. I tried to hash things out with God. I would tell Him to please send me a soul-friend or take the desire away from me and help me learn to be content being alone. I started eating a lot of fast food because it brought me comfort and a boost of dopamine.
In early summer I applied for a job at the Kroger that had just opened down the street. My dad told my brother me that since he was selling the house we needed to figure out plans for how we would sustain ourselves. Since I was only working three days a week at my data entry job at $10 an hour, I knew that wasn’t enough to support myself.
Between not eating very healthfully and stress, my body’s old symptoms started creeping back in again. I was having fatigue and feeling generally crappy more often. I was 170lbs again. I would get lightheaded if I stood up too long and had to wash dishes while sitting in a chair. I was worried about standing on my feet all day at my new job but told myself perhaps it is all just anxiety and there is truly nothing wrong with me. It was all just in my head like everyone had told me continuously for the past two years. For the first time I tried to believe them.
Around this time I started talking to a guy I met on Reddit. I had been posting a lot of melodramatic stuff about how lonely I had been feeling. I got a lot of great support from people in the INFP sub community. One of the comments caught my eye and we started private messaging each other and hit it off. Soon we exchanged phone numbers and took to texting. I started feeling connected to him and like I could tell him anything!
During this time I started having strong feelings I never knew I could have for another person. It scared me and made me feel out of control. I found myself wanting to get to know him more. I wanted to talk to him for hours. I felt like God didn’t want me to have those kind of feelings. I couldn’t explain it. It felt like a strong gravitational pull, and I had convinced myself it was wrong. I was worried it would lead to sin. I would stuff myself with food to punish myself for feeling the way I did. I tried to escape the feelings of attraction. I wanted to forget about him. And eating was the perfect way to distract myself from those intense feelings.
I would make French fries in the oven and eat them with cups of mayonnaise and ranch dressing. I would order fast food and devour it, focusing on how good each bite of food tasted. The sensory experience helped take my mind off the guy and onto something different. Of course, after I was finished eating it was all over.
I started working at the new Kroger and swore off talking to the guy. I told him I didn’t want to talk anymore. I told myself I would work and make money and get my own place and be happy alone. I didn’t want to let anyone in the way I let him in. It was too scary, too real. I didn’t want to be that vulnerable ever again. The feelings of attraction disturbed me, and I felt like God was angry at me for feeling them. I decided best way to avoid trouble was to cut it off at its source.
I spent the next three days helping the store managers prepare the new Kroger for the grand opening that following week. I put up ads all over the store, cleaned and wiped down the check-out counters, and put tags on items. My job after the opening was going to be courtesy clerk. Bagging customer’s groceries and going to fetch shopping carts in the parking lot. I started to second-guess my choice as just wiping down cash registers was enough to make me feel lightheaded and tired. I asked the hiring manager if they could switch me to cashiering instead, but she said it would be a few weeks.
While placing ads at the end of each aisle I would stand up from stooping and feel my heart rate skyrocket. My head would feel like a balloon and my legs felt heavy and weak. I brushed it off, reminding myself that it was all in my head. There was nothing wrong with me. I would literally recite over and over to myself that nothing was wrong with me, echoing what doctors and others had told me. I pushed my body and ignored its warning signs. I refused to listen to it.
How my schedule was going to be was, I would work at Monday Tuesday and Wednesday at Kroger and Thursday Friday and Saturday at my data entry job. After three days at Kroger I went to my data entry job the next day. I was feeling relatively fine that morning. My nephew had taken me to work and I settled in as usual. I made it through the virtual meeting and got ready for the day. I went to microwave my oatmeal I had brought and after I sat back down I felt extremely lightheaded. I felt like all the blood in my body came down from my brain to my feet. I had tunnel vision and felt like I was about to fall asleep. I panicked, and told my boss I wasn’t feeling well. They let me go home and my brother in law and nephew came to pick me up.
They took me to Braum’s and I got a bag of cheeseburgers and a cup of peanut butter cup ice-cream. They dropped me off at home and I climbed into bed with my food and ate. Once again food was my stay. My comfort. I was frightened by the near-fainting episode I had at work. I knew then something was really wrong, and despite what I had wanted to believe–it really wasn’t all in my head. Oh, how I should have listened to my poor body’s cries for help when it tried to show me!
I started talking to my Reddit friend again and we still talk to this day. I realize God put him in my life for a reason–he helped me get through the major POTS flare I was having by being my friend and talking to me when I needed support. He was my angel.
To save a long story, turns out I had POTS syndrome all along, and the standing and walking I did at Kroger brought on the worst flare of my life. I was bedridden and every time I stood up I would get really sick. My heart rate and blood pressure were all over the place. A cardiologist saved my life and for the first time, a medical professional listened to me. He did a poor man’s tilt test on me and confirmed my heart rate skyrockets upon standing. He prescribed a beta blocker, Atenolol, and I was able to get my life back. I went back to my data entry job and my sister helped me get an apartment. My dad helped me pay bills for the first half of the following year until I could find more work.
♥️ ♥️ ♥️
So here we are now. I’m 28 years old and 204 pounds. I carry the weight of all the emotional eating that has taken place in my life the past four years. I feel like food is the only thing that comforts me. I want to find a way to get better. No matter how much I want to, I just can't bring myself to consistantly eat healthy foods. My urge to reach for junk food for comfort always gets the better of me. Apps like UberEats and DoorDash certainly do not help. I always find excuses to give into my cravings like when I forget to pack a lunch for work or when I had a hard day and deserve a "treat". There is always a reason to treat myself I look hard enough! I am honestly scared for my future because of my inability to ditch this emotional eating problem. I want to get professional help and I know I need it, but I can't really afford it and I am scared of being judged.